13 Dec 2023 08:33
I do want to live that big life the movies promised us. When the protagonist who was never loved properly and retreated into herself finally steps into the light and blows the whole world away. A list of doing everything prescribed, to be “whole”. The Goo Goo Dolls say is best, “I just want you to know who I am”.
28 Jul 2023 20:43
I have been in an anxiety attack since 6:28AM, it is now 2:06 PM…. Chest is tight… I can’t catch my breath… Every small thing is huge, and all I can do is breathe through it… White Knuckles…Deeply in. 1.2.3.4 Completely out. 1.2.3.4. Tears… Well not tears so much these days, what with the medication. But I can assure you I’ve lived this cycle enough to know tears would be next if they were capable of falling anymore. All this going on, a storm inside dark as night.
16 Jul 2023 12:49
Borderline Personality Disorder; my consolation prize for being honest for the first time to my doctor. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) a personality disorder characterized by severe mood swings, impulsive behavior, and difficulty forming stable personal relationships. This is a treatable disorder… but to do the work to live through it is to undo all the patterns I’ve developed for 30 years to protect myself. What I’m learning through treatment is the armor that has served me in my development ages is not made of me but armor I’ve made to keep the self inside safe. Part of that armor is my mania.
14 Jun 2023 07:13
In my formative years many things shaped my path forward in life. Where I came from, who I came from, What I learned, and How I survived. There are so many things that made me, but not every virtue or characteristics that I needed to get where I am still serves me in growing into my own integrity. Who I truly am at my own essence, and now that I am strong enough to claim my self for me. The only path for me will be made with intentionally steps.
23 Jun 2023 06:36
The Heart’s Desire is an interesting and I’ll admit tantalizing concept to reflect on. My heart and the heart of many has been conditioned by the world to desire so many unfulfilling wants. The world seems in conspiracy together to, in fact, lead my heart astray. I have been conditioned to want the life that is, “good enough”. Much like The Baker and the Crystal Merchant I have worked my entire life to have a life that was good enough. Conditioned to spend all of the waking day away from the sunlight, in manufactured air, to fulfil a position that was deemed “important enough” in the eyes of others.
4 Jul 2023 15:03
I have this nasty habit of leaving my gas tank empty. I can recount many, yes many, instances in my time as a licensed driver running out of gas. I have no fear or anxiety about what will happen when I inevitably run out of gas, because I know exactly what’s going to happen. When, again when not if, I run out of gas I will leave my vehicle and find means to get the gas I need. Instances like a stranger giving me a ride, walking to the nearest station, or knocking on the door of a neighbor have proven very successful and I’ve never not made it home yet.