The Heart’s Desire is an interesting and I’ll admit tantalizing concept to reflect on. My heart and the heart of many has been conditioned by the world to desire so many unfulfilling wants. The world seems in conspiracy together to, in fact, lead my heart astray. I have been conditioned to want the life that is, “good enough”. Much like The Baker and the Crystal Merchant I have worked my entire life to have a life that was good enough. Conditioned to spend all of the waking day away from the sunlight, in manufactured air, to fulfil a position that was deemed “important enough” in the eyes of others.
Why ask more of life? This is a question the universe has surely laid in my path for a reason. The Crystal Merchant and especially the baker are certainly the majority of us. Living a life to survive and falling short of our own Personal Legend. This path of life, will surely result in unfulfillment. If we only allow ourselves to grow into another version of each other how will we ever know where one of us ends and another begins. Life will continue to be the same flavor and we will never truly evolve.
Beware, when you tell the truth and begin to live your own Personal Legend, people will laugh at you. Much like the Alchemist and Santiago on their journey. I can see it in peoples eyes as I tell them I’m going to reinvent myself. As I identify further and tell the truth that I’ve not been living up to my own integrity I feel myself become more open and subject to judgement. But I do not care, I can no longer live on the plane of the single flavor. I need to grow and move and have access to more of myself.
I’ve been so good at being a part of the fabric of the community I feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner. I’ve said so many little lies to and about myself that I almost believe that I’m a prominent figure important to the cycle of life in my small corner of the world. But I am no more important in the eyes of the universe than the people sanding outside my office with signs, “anything helps.” If all I truly have to live up to is myself, then my first evolution or Personal Legend will be to know what parts of me are my organic self.
I almost believe them, the ones who look at me in bewilderment and questioning. By most measurements my life is full and I am a woman of means. Perfect home, career, family, prestige. But what does it all mean if I don’t actually feel fully alive. Please don’t mistake me for ungrateful, my life is so full and I’ve made great intention to build the life I have today. I have been walking this same path towards this life for as long as I can remember. The Love of my life, Richard, is a dream all his own. My career; I have been successful for those I’ve worked for and made the most of all the interactions I've had with my fellow community members. I’ve dedicated hours of my life to service and building a strong community and neighborhood. I’m so fortunate to be connected and have done everything in my power to be thought of as, “nice.”
If I had ever been brave enough to fulfil a suicide attempt, people would surely say, “Oh Molly, she was so nice.” It makes me want to puke, but it’s so unbelievably true. I am nice. Part of my Personal Legend will be walking back that narrative. Moving away from being agreeable, and moving towards self satisfaction. But obstacles like, my lack of importance then becomes the echo in my mind telling me I’m actually not unique or special enough to live who I truly am out loud. Again, How dare I want more from this life.
The dream from my hearts desire, is to be free. I want so desperately to only belong to myself. Scarcity of money is also an important lesson I will need to overcome. The Shepard lost his fortune three times and seemed unshaken in his believe it was the right thing to do. His fortune ebbed and flowed until he actualized his real treasure. If it’s true, “When you want something with all of your heart, the universe conspires to helping you achieve it - The Alchemist” Then for the next leg of my journey I will give in and focus on living differently than I have been. Fighting my consumer habits and believe I can be fulfilled by owning myself instead of things leading my heart astray.
Most desperately I need to evolve from my current self. The direction my life is going is good enough, but not challenging enough to bring fulfillment or further understanding of myself. I have been told is so many ways to not trust my own heart, and now I must listen to my heart as if my life depends on it. I will open my heart to possibilities out of the realm of reason. Because I don’t want to live a life of reason, I want to live my own life. Unique to the pieces of me I deem true enough to keep. If I follow the language of the world I will learn to truly listen to what my own heart is saying. Because I am special enough to be a part of this world as I truly am. Even if I take this journey across to the world only to find my heart’s desire in my own backyard my treasure will be uniquely mine.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
My Personal Legend
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